I think I heard a comedy bit like this--possibly also from the UK!--about someone requesting not to be left fresh new little mini-soaps every day during their stay at a hotel. It ended with a hilarious number of little mini-soaps iirc.

What are you going to do about your real-not-a-comedy-sketch situation? I would love to also know how the eight pints and the weird bill came to be, but that probably is too much to hope for.